Vegetables are unnecessary

I reckon it was about 22 years ago when I was lucky enough to visit this part of Germany with family. I remember castles and vineyards and rivers. It was back then that I decided I wanted to cycle the Rhine.

Saturday found us in Mainz, after a small hiccup where we decided to travel along the same bit of train line back and forth for 2 hours longer than necessary… Deutsche Bahn trains haven’t been living up to their punctual name for us this trip, and while I’m not blaming them, if they hadn’t been 28 minutes late, we would have happily avoided the hiccups! Get on the right train guys… On a side note, ICE trains have a special compartment for small kids. Makes travelling with a tot so much easier.

We are not big city people. We got a bit lost in the back streets looking for lycra, eventually finding a good deal where we should have gone sightseeing in the first place. I think the shop assistant would have taken Anya in exchange, but she’s worth a bit more than that to us. She is costing us a bit though, guzzling through a doner kebab that night like a little turk…

We got up bright and early as usual on Sunday and got dressed in our lycra and cycling vests. We smashed back a weeks’ worth of breakfast, as we do when it’s a buffet begging to be eaten. Unfortunately I still have not managed to try every item available, despite shoving bits and pieces in my pockets for later.

Stepping outside with our bikes and the degree of cold took our breath. We found out later that it had dipped below freezing over night. Oh wow! No time to wallow in the icy tears crawling down our faces though, because we needed nappies. On a Sunday? Hah! No chance of that, as some places in the world still make a stand against consumerism and observe a day of rest. We rationed out the remaining nappies, cautioned Anya to hold on a bit, and confiscated her food and drink*.

Finally I get to the bit where we ride along the Rhein! So what you do is you sit on the seat, make the pedals go around in a forward motion, and point it at the path with those handle-y bits. You should be prepared for the following along the way;

• ·         Signs marking out the cycle way. Without these you are lost.
• ·         Castles. They probably won’t fall out of your way when you bump into them, even though they’re old.
• ·         Bäckereien. You will see them and you will know what to do.
• ·         Wine. As above, but do it until you don’t know what you’re doing.
• ·         Very steep vineyards. I don’t know how they exist either.
• ·         Meat and fries will sustain you until breakfast. Vegetables are unnecessary, nor are they an option anyway.
• ·         Town walls. The people aren’t rude or allergic to foreigners unless you have traded your bike for a horse, shoot arrows at them, and finish them off with your mighty long sword.
• ·         Prestige German cars. Even the bogans are driving them.
• ·         Boatloads of tourists will get in your way. I’m beastly careless how you treat them actually.
• ·         Cobblestones. Don’t worry, all cobblestones lead to Rome.
• ·         Trains. Real trains. Also known as “The Fast Way”. You can take this option instead to save time, but make sure you get a carriage with no windows to save yourself having to look at the scenery.

I know I should be writing poetic descriptions about the half-timbered houses, surrounded by monolithic** walls, protected by the benevolent church, protected by the warlord in his*** castle, forcing the slaves to pick his grapes, stomp on them, blah blah, beautiful waters of the Rhine…

This time I’m not going to. I need to finish this beer and get some sleep, so I’m ready for the breakfast buffet in the morning. Experience it for yourself. Rhine not?

*We didn’t really,

**I think this means what I think it means,

***or hers